


I'm So Cold

by snflwervol69



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Soul Bond, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27497884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snflwervol69/pseuds/snflwervol69
Summary: Harry's sick of watching everyone find their soulmates. He's nearly 18 and still hasn't found anyone. Soul bonds allow soulmates to share energy, so if one is tired the other can give some of their energy up. If one is cold, the other can lend some warmth. Neither soulmate will ever truly feel balanced until they meet and fall in love, but Harry's soul bond seems to be draining him. After a particularly bad incident, he choses to sever the soul bond, but is left to face the consequences.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	1. chapter 1

Harry shivered, pulling his sweater tighter around himself as he stood at the bus stop. He wished his soulmate, whoever they were, could help him out, but they never did. It was getting to the point where he started to wonder if they were there at all, until recently. Recently he'd been getting more tired, despite sleeping early every night. He was cold all the time now and whenever he was at home he would bundle himself into blankets to chase off the cold, but nothing ever seemed to work. This cold was inside of him, and nothing could help it. It seemed to Harry as if his soulmate were getting weaker by the day.  
By the time the bus finally arrived, he was shivering violently and received many sympathetic looks as he got on the bus. Most of the people he passed probably assumed he was giving his body heat to his soulmate to keep them warm, but if he had the choice to take it back, he would. If he could take some of their heat, he would. In school they learned how to utilize their soul bonds, how to give and take energy from their soulmates, and it never seemed to work for him. He used to think it was because he didn't have a soulmate, but now he was pretty sure it was because they had no energy to give.   
He'd flipped to the back of his textbook to the section no teacher ever taught. It discussed the effects of a soulmate's death and it listed signs of weakness. Harry was pretty sure his soulmate was dying, and as selfish as it was, he hoped they would die before he ever met them. That way he would never fall in love and the pain would be significantly less.   
There was another option, though it was a very extreme option. No one ever talked about it, and it was only used in dire situations. A soul bond could be severed, but only if both parties consented to it. Most people who do it are old couples or the terminally ill, who wish to pass without hurting their soulmate more than necessary. There's no way Harry had any chance of doing that, and even though he was feeling sicker by the day, he didn't want to go through the trouble of meeting them, and then getting their permission to cut the tie.  
When the bus arrives at school, Harry nearly trips down the aisle. He's dragging his feet now, so tired he can't even take full steps. As he approaches the school he sees two of his best friends sitting outside on the edge of the garden. Zayn is grinning and Liam has his arm around Zayn's shoulder. They're deep in a conversation and Harry doesn't bother trying to interrupt. He's been blowing them off more and more lately, but ever since they found out they were soulmates, sometimes it's just hard to be around them.   
Harry walks right past and neither of them even look up. Harry doubts they even notice.   
Inside, Niall is waiting for him by the stairs. He smiles brightly, but all Harry can offer is a half hearted grimace. He's still shivering even though he's inside and Niall wordlessly hands him another sweatshirt.  
"You don't have to..."  
"Just wear it Haz," Niall says, and Harry takes the sweatshirt. he doesn't bother to explain to Niall that the coldness lives in him and that more layer of clothes aren't going to help. He just pulls it over his head and follows Niall down the hall towards their first period class.  
Harry is surprised he even makes it through the bell without passing out on the floor, but at least the shivering stopped. A part of him hopes that maybe his soulmate is getting better, but he knows it's pointless. He read the textbook and he feels worse every day. His soulmate is dying. They must be. Which brings him an idea. He hasn't had class with Professor Kate for two years, but she's an expert on soulmates. She taught him everything, if there's anyone who might have an answer, it's her.  
During lunch Harry makes up a lame excuse about needing to do homework, partially to see Professor Kate but also because he really doesn't want to see Liam and Zayn right now. He can't stand the thought of watching them swoon and laugh and be happy and have everything he wants. Not when he knows he's losing his soulmate.  
He knocks gently on her door and from inside she shouts "Come in!" and when he opens the door she looks up from her desk and breaks into a brilliant smile. "Harry! How good to see you! It's been quite a while hasn't it?"  
"It has," he agrees as he takes a seat near her desk.  
"Everything okay?"  
"No actually."  
She puts down her book. "What's going on?"  
"I think my soulmate is dying," he blurts out.  
He hears her sharp intake of breath and quickly looks down, studying a stain on the carpet. He doesn't want to watch her pity him. He doesn't want to see her eyes well up with tears while his stay completely dry. He hates himself for it, but he doesn't know if he loves his soulmate. How can he if he's never even met them?  
"I'm so sorry. Why... what makes you think that?"  
"I'm always tired now, and cold. I've tried what you taught us, to borrow some energy, like a ladle of soup but it's like dipping into an empty bucket. They're taking everything I've got and it still isn't enough."  
"Oh Haz, I'm so sorry." For a moment it looks like she might give him a hug, but she doesn't and remains firmly in her chair.  
"What do I do?" Harry asks. "Is there anything I can do?"  
The professor is quiet for a moment, deep in thought, wondering what to say next. She could help him, or she could lie and say there's nothing to be done. She's not entirely sure what to do.  
"There is a way... to find someone's soulmate. It's rare, most people find their soulmates on their own just fine, but some need a little extra help, or like you, have very little time. There is a way to find and contact your soulmate, but what you do when you meet them, that's up to you."  
"What if I don't find them?" In his head he asks, what if they don't exist? but it doesn't come out of his mouth.  
"You will."  
"What if I do?"  
"Then you choose what to do next. You could live out the remainder of their life with them, or you could..." she trails off.  
"What?"  
"Nothing."  
"Tell me." He's almost certain he knows what she was going to say, but he wants to hear her say it.  
"You could try to sever the bond, but it's a dangerous procedure and don't recommend it."  
"What happens if I do it?" Harry asks, and when Kate answers she won't look in his eyes.  
"I know you probably don't want to hear this... but I think your soul bond is keep your soulmate alive. Without it, they might be too weak to function on their own."  
Now Harry feels guilty, but he still can't stop thinking about it. He knows how selfish he's being but if he keeps the soul bond it'll hurt him far worse than severing it. He knows what he wants to do, but he knows there's no realistic way to do it.  
"What do you think I should do?"  
"It's not up to me. This is your choice Harry."  
And it is. It's the hardest choice he's ever had to make. He opens his mouth, ready to ask about the procedure when he feels a sharp pain in his chest, and then he's falling, falling, falling, and then there's nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

When Harry wakes up, he’s surrounded by faces. Some familiar, others completely foreign. Professor Kate is there, and so is Niall, but all the others are unrecognizable, though he guesses they’re doctors.  
The hospital is one of the few places where you can always tell exactly where you are. It has a certain smell, very clean and very dirty all at once. The lights are so bright they’re nearly blinding him and he shuts his eyes once again.   
He’s got a splitting headache and he isn’t entirely sure where it came from, though he can certainly take a guess. If he wasn’t sure about his soulmate before, he is now. Something must be wrong with them. The soul bond must’ve been the reason he passed out, but he didn’t realize soulbonds could be so powerful.   
“Harry, how are you feeling?” one of the doctors asks, pulling out a thermometer to check his temperature. He’s almost sure he’ll have a fever, but the temperature comes out low.  
“It’s the bond,” Kate tells him. “You were right, your soulmate doesn’t have much time left, and through the bond they’re draining you.”  
“We found them,” a doctor says, pulling up a screen. “We contacted them and they have already given permission to sever the bond, if you wish. They only asked that you meet them before they go.”  
Suddenly Harry can’t breathe. Sever the bond? Sure he had thought about it, but his soulmate had already given permission. Maybe they didn’t want him as their soulmate. He couldn’t blame them.   
“You can meet them before or after the procedure, it’s up to you.”  
Harry knows if he meets them before he won’t have the strength to go through with it, so that leaves him with having to cut it before meeting them. He knows the guilt would eat him alive, but he’d rather be guilty than have to suffer through losing his soulmate with the bond still intact.  
“I’ll do it.”  
“Haz…” Niall says from a chair in the corner, the first thing he’s said the whole time. Harry knows Niall is only trying to help, but he hasn’t found his soulmate either and there’s no way for Niall to ever understand.   
“Are you sure about this?” the doctor asks. “The procedure is irreversible. Once a bond is cut, it can never be reformed.”  
Harry swallows and his throat is dry. “I’ll do it.” He has to say it before he changes his mind.  
He misses most of the explanation for the procedure. He’s still exhausted despite sleeping for hours. By the time they’re ready to start the operation he barely needs any drugs to make him fall asleep. He closes his eyes once and the black overtakes him.

“Harry?” someone asks, and he slowly comes back to consciousness.  
It hits him like a wall. The complete and utter emptiness he feels in his chest steals his breath and he’s gasping. It’s the worst thing he’s ever felt, and he can’t help but wonder how his soulmate is feeling. They’re already sick, he can’t imagine how they must be feeling now.  
He feels sick. Sicker than he had felt before. He had hoped maybe the procedure would stop his soulmate from taking so much out of him, but he never expected anything like this. He wants to cry and throw up all at once, but there are no tears and his stomach is empty. He is empty. There’s nothing left of him but a shell.


	3. Chapter 3

“God, Haz, that sounds awful,” Niall says.   
“I don’t understand how you could go through with that,” Liam adds, and though he means well Harry has to bite his tongue to stop himself from yelling at him. Not everyone gets a perfect life with their soulmate. Liam doesn’t understand what Harry had to go through. He doesn’t understand that Harry regrets it, more than he’s ever regretted anything in his life. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Talking about it reminds him it’s real and can’t ever be undone. Talking, and the emptiness in his chest that he knows will never go away.  
He knows Liam means well, but Harry can’t help the rising anger he feels. It’s not fair that Liam gets to have his soulmate while Harry has no one. He still isn’t sure about meeting his soulmate. It isn’t required, but all the doctors encouraged him, and Professor Kate told him it would probably be good to get closure, whatever the fuck that means.  
Harry doesn’t want closure, he doesn’t need it. He doesn’t need to go and see a soulmate with who he used to have a bond with signifying that when they meet they’re supposed to fall in love. A bond that he broke, on purpose. Now when he meets them the weight of what he did will become even greater, and he knows he’ll probably end up loving them. That’s the whole point of having a soulmate.  
The only problem is the missing soul bond and the dire situation. Who knows how long his soulmate has left. Who knows how long he has to decide whether or not going to see his soulmate really is a good idea or not.  
“When are you going to meet them?” Niall asks, as if reading Harry’s mind. Out of all of them, Niall is the one who’s pushing Harry the hardest to meet his soulmate. Probably because Niall has no soulmate of his own and only wants what’s best for Harry, but it’s not like he’d actually know about that.  
Harry knows he’s being unfair and a bit mean, but ever since the procedure, his emotions have all been different and much harder to control. It’s not entirely his fault.   
“I don’t know.”  
“Harry you have to figure out soon. Clearly they were already sick and since you cut the bond they’re only getting worse.”  
“Niall don’t say that!” Liam exclaims, but Harry doesn’t care. Niall’s right. Harry’s soulmate is dying and now they’re getting worse every day and it’s all his fault.  
It’s all his fault. His soulmate could’ve held on longer if he had just decided to suck it up, but he didn’t. They were dying because of him. The least he could do was meet them like they had asked him to do. He owed them that much.  
“I’m going to see them. Today.”

St. Peter’s Children’s Hospital was connected with the Mother Mary Center for Cancer Research. Harry had arrived ten minutes ago and still hadn’t managed to scrape up enough courage to get out of his car. He told Professor Kate about his decision and she had already gotten in contact with the doctors. They were expecting him to be there.  
He was supposed to arrive at 4:30 and meet his soulmate around 4:45. It was already 4:40 and he was still in his car. Less than ten minutes until he would meet his soulmate. The soulmate he purposely detached himself from. The soulmate who was dying.  
He takes a deep breath and climbs out of the car. He has to force himself to keep walking, one foot after the other all the way through the hospital doors.   
There’s already a doctor waiting for him. Her name tag reads “Dr. Hoyner” and she has a kind face with a soft smile.   
“You must be Harry,” she says, shaking his hand. “I’m Doctor Hoyner, I work with cancer patients.”  
Cancer. It made sense. It also causes Harry to feel a pain in his heart. He can’t even imagine what his soulmate must be facing.  
“Your soulmate is upstairs, if you’re ready.”  
This is it. He’s finally going to meet them. Harry takes another deep breath. No turning back now.  
“I am.”


	4. Chapter 4

Harry follows Dr. Hoyner up a flight of stairs, a lump in his throat and a tightness in his chest. He has to focus on his breath or he knows he’ll start to panic. This is the scariest thing he’s ever done, worse than the rollercoaster with Niall two summers ago, or the haunted house with Liam last fall. This is a raw fear. He feels like he’s in one of those dreams where he wakes up at school with no clothes on. He feels entirely exposed. He’s going to meet his soulmate and they’re going to see him as he is. Normal.  
He's not special, and he was the one who broke their bond. Why would his soulmate even want to see him?   
Harry and the doctor go down a hallway, and then another, and when they turn the corner again there’s a girl standing outside a door. She has her back turned but she looks shorter than Harry with long brown hair.   
She turns around and sees him, but her eyes only meet his for an instant before she turns to Dr. Hoyner. Is this his soulmate? She doesn't look sick, or very interested in him for that matter.  
“This is Harry.”  
“I’m Eleanor,” she says. “Your soulmate’s in there, when you're ready.” Eleanor has a soft voice and she seems nice, but he can't help the sigh of relief. He expected more of an instant connection, and it wasn't Eleanor's fault that he didn't feel that way about her.  
“I’m ready,” he says, running his hands through his curly hair.  
Eleanor smiles at him and it helps some of his nerves fade. She looks comfortable around him, and if she trusts him then his soulmate probably will too. He can do this. She gently pushes down on the doorknob and opens the door.  
The first thing Harry sees is the large window pointing out into the woods behind the hospital. The window is level with the tops of the trees, as if you could step out and walk right into the sky. All the leaves are turning brilliant oranges and yellows with autumn. Then Harry’s eyes rest on the bed and the person in it.  
He still has hair, which is the first thing Harry notices. He thought cancer treatment made hair fall out, but this boy has brown hair, not far from the color of Harry’s. It’s fluffy and looks indescribably soft.  
He also has brilliant blue eyes and when he sees Harry he breaks into a smile that makes Harry feel so happy his chest tightens. It’s more joy than he’s felt in months. He’s smiling back at the boy in the bed and suddenly he feels less alone. This is where he’s supposed to be.  
“Told you he’d come,” Eleanor says with a smile. She gives him a slight nod of approval before following Doctor Hoyner out of the room.  
It’s just him and the boy now and Harry has never felt more vulnerable in his life, but there’s something so exciting about being seen. He gets it now. He understands why Liam and Zayn are the way they are. They get to spend the rest of their lives like this.  
Reality comes crashing down again as Harry sees the tubes and wires sticking out from under the boy’s shirt. They don't have forever. As far as he knows, they could have only days, and yet, he would rather have those days than nothing.  
“I’m Harry,” he says, walking to the chair at the side of the bed.  
“I’m Louis. I wasn’t sure you’d come.”  
“Me neither,” Harry admits. “But I’m glad I did.”  
“Me too. It’s been so long since anyone’s visited, other than Eleanor.”  
“Is she your sister?”  
“Nah, just my best friend. Pretty much everyone else drifted away after I stopped going to school.”  
“I’m sorry,” Harry says, and he means it. Louis lost all his friends over a disease that was going to kill him. Looking into Louis’ eyes Harry wondered how anyone could have the strength to walk away from him.   
“It’s okay,” Louis said, and if Harry didn’t know better, he might’ve believed him, but Louis’ eyes were sad and Harry knew the loss of his friends must've hit Louis pretty hard. “At least you’re here.”  
This makes Harry blush a bit, even though it’s a completely normal thing to say.  
“Thank god,” he says, with a wink and it makes Louis laugh, which Harry thinks might be the best sound he’s ever heard.  
“Are you allowed to leave the hospital?” Harry asks.  
“Only for a few hours at a time. Why?”  
“Well, I was hoping we could go on a proper date.”  
Louis’ gorgeous smile is back. “I’d love that.”


	5. Chapter 5

Harry feels over the moon. Louis took his hand a few minutes ago and hasn’t let go since. Soul bond or not, the connection between them is still incredibly strong and both boys can feel it.   
Louis is leading the way to his favorite Italian restaurant that he used to go to all the time before he got sick. Harry is perfectly content with holding Louis' hand, letting him lead the way.  
Louis is shivering in the autumn wind and for a moment Harry is focusing on his own body heat, like Professor Kate taught him, and as he thinks about the bond a sudden feeling of emptiness washes over him. Since meeting Louis he’s been able to forget, but it all comes back now. The bond is gone. He can’t save Louis. He can’t even help him.  
Still, Harry pulls his beanie off and hands it to Louis, who tugs it down over his ears and grins. Harry pulls him closer and they keep walking down the sidewalk.   
“Did you grow up around here?” Harry asks. The hospital was a bit of a drive from his house; this whole area is unfamiliar to him.  
“Just a block that way,” Louis says, pointing across the road, and Harry can’t help but notice that his hands are shaking. “My mom and sisters still live there actually.” Harry laces his fingers with Louis’ as he talks and Louis glances over and grins.  
“Tell me about them,” Harry says, leaning into Louis as they walk.  
“Well, my mum… she’s the best, and I really do mean that. She visits me a lot, brings me milkshakes every Sunday. Lottie visits too sometimes. The twins are almost always busy nowadays, but they usually tag along on Sundays, though I’m not sure if they’re there for me or the milkshakes,” he jokes, and Harry beams back at him.  
“They sound sweet.”  
“They are, I bet you’d like them.”  
“Can I meet them?” Harry asks hopefully, and Louis freezes. Harry feels his body go tense and wonders if he’s just overstepped a boundary.  
“They don’t know…” Louis trails off.  
“Know what?”  
“About you. Us. The whole soulmate thing.”  
“What?”  
“Mom knows I gave permission to cut the bond but she doesn’t know you’re here. She doesn’t know I asked to see you.”  
Harry’s head is spinning now. Louis’ mom, hell his whole family, probably hated him. Harry and the bond he shared with Lou was probably the one thing keeping him alive. He had taken that away. Louis would die because of Harry, so there was no way he could blame Louis for not wanting his family to know. Who knows how they might react.  
“I’m sorry,” Harry blurts. “About the bond, about everything. I shouldn’t have…”  
“Harry it’s okay,” Louis says softly, his voice calm and understanding, bringing Harry back to earth. “I know why you did it. I understand, okay?”  
Harry nods, Louis’ eyes meeting his. Louis made him feel warm and safe. Louis felt familiar, despite this being the first time they met. Louis felt like home, a constant anchor in an uncertain world.  
Harry pulls Louis close to him and they continue down the street, arm and arm towards a tiny restaurant squeezed between a bookstore and a flower shop. Even from down the street Harry can smell the scent of Italian food. He notices Louis’ pace quicken as they get nearer and Harry can’t stop the blush that spreads across his cheeks when Louis breaks into a brilliant smile, glancing over and Harry and then practically dragging him into the restaurant.   
If the smell was strong outside it overwhelms Harry’s sense the second he steps through the door. His head is full of the scent of oregano and olive oil. He looks over to Louis and his heart soars as he watches his eyes flutter shut and he takes a deep breath.  
“Louis?” someone asks, and his eyes fly open. He breaks into another grin at the sight of a waiter approaching them.  
“Hey Michael,” he says. “It’s been a while hasn’t it?”  
“It sure has. We miss having you around. Eleanor still visits sometimes with her soulmate, and we always wonder where you are.”  
“I’ve been at the hospital mostly,” Louis says, and before Michael can pity him, Louis says, “This is my soulmate, Harry.”  
Michael gasps. “Is this a first date?”  
Louis doesn’t answer, he just smiles and takes Harry's hand, which makes his stomach flip.  
“Well, your usual table is empty so I can set you up there, right by the window in the back.”  
“That sounds perfect,” Louis says, and then to Harry, “They’ve got this garden out back, it’s beautiful.”  
Harry tries to push his nerves aside and he takes Louis’ hand once again and follows him towards the back.


End file.
